Reliably quirky and always fun, The Sims 4 has always made an effort to make us laugh with its product descriptions in-game. And as you go through and find new items to decorate your homes with, make sure you’re looking at the item descriptions for a chuckle.
Almost all the product listings go a step beyond simply telling you what you’re buying, and will make a joke, tell you a story, or make a reference to something in the game. High fives all around to the team behind them – or, HiFive High Fidelity Stereos, whichever they prefer. We’ve combed through the extensive and ever-growing catalogue to bring you some of the item descriptions that crack us up the most.
10 Seeing The Snobbery In The Beauty Of Negative Space
Simmers who love building, rejoiced when Dream Home Decorator released in June of 2021. Along with the ability to renovate townie homes for money with the pack’s new career path, the game pack included a ton of new mix-and-matchable furniture.
Part of that was The Beauty of Negative Space double bed, whose product description goes deep into pretentious detail about how art school teaches you about “the concept of negative space and how it impacts design.” After a full paragraph appraising the negative space, the description tells you your education is complete and asks for money. The description ends with the most apt reference to student loans we’ve ever seen: “Yeesh. Talk about being put in a negative space.”
9 Bitter Old Joe Jockey
Nothing beats a nice, steaming cup of coffee to get you going in the morning. For some, it’s the bright spot of our day. But in order to get that same invigoration in the game, you’ll have to spend a little more on your coffee pot instead of defaulting to the cheapest one.
The game pulls no punches in telling you this coffee will not be stunning. “It has a feature that squirts hot water over coffee grounds, producing a lightly browned liquid. Is it fancy? No. Does it get the job done? We’ll say ‘Sure.’” With the Joe Jockey, your Sim gets the bare minimum: bottom-tier spending, coffee, and concern from the manufacturer.
8 Internet Meme Hall Of Famer Butterfly McButterflyface
The internet has never exactly been the best place to ask for product names. Certain corners of it actually has a knack for the opposite. Enter James Hand, whose proposition to name a multimillion-dollar research vessel “Boaty McBoatface”, actually went through.
The product description itself marvels at childhood wonder, asking, “It doesn’t actually fly, but if it did, how majestic would that be?” Not to worry, though, as The Sims Team knows the creativity of little ones, confident that they’ll “turn any ordinary object into a mythical creature with a funny name.”
7 The Ultra-Modern Problem With HDCurV Anti-Flat Screen Television
Sometimes, technological innovation can be incredible. Other times, we’re not exactly sure why anybody actually needs it. Enter the game’s first curved television in the City Living expansion.
It’s futuristic, sure, but does it need to be? The game says, “The future can catch a glare from ANY angle, no matter the time of day. The future is inventing a new fad to get you to replace your existing and totally adequate home entertainment system for no discernible reason.” We love any game that’ll call out the nonsense that comes with forced obsoletion.
6 Exercise Caution In Buying Baby Dino Nursery Art
The folks who design the wall art for the game know you’d like a cute nursery for your baby, and they’ve got you and your little one covered – literally.
Always with our safety in mind, the game proudly claims that this cute little photo of a herbivore is “as harmless as they come, but we locked it behind glass just to be safe.” Any company looking out for our kids’ safety like that can have our Simoleons any day.
5 Asking The Real Questions With Solid Wood Modern Antique Table
It’s just like Mark Twain said, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.”
This dining table from Parenthood uses the buzzwords but not without critique, saying, “What is ‘modern antique’? Good question! It’s modern, but we want to make it seem cooler so we can charge a little extra!” It likens itself to restaurants serving “fresh frozen” foods, in the same vein as how companies slap words like “artisanal” on the same old product to sound fancy. Wordplay sells.
4 Pop Goes The Plumbob
We’ve discussed some of the referential humor in The Sims 4 before, and the artwork within the game is no exception. This pop art piece is referential of Andy Warhol – or, one of his many in-game parodies.
This particular piece is by “Tandy Warhole [who] studied under Tandy Warhol, who stole from Andy Warhol, who painted just like this.” If you hit level five in the comedy branch of the entertainer career, you’ll unlock a new pop art piece, painted by Amy Warthog.
3 Boldly Illuminating Dark Spots Using The Beamer
When The Sims 4 first debuted, some of the lights left players feeling a little in the dark – many players critiqued how dim and small the lights were. Get to Work was the game’s first expansion, and one of the new lights in the pack corrected this problem in a big way.
The product description is typed in all capital letters and warns players that “OUR BRIGHTNESS WILL NOT BE CONTAINED.” And, admittedly, the light is one of the brightest large-swath light available.
2 Making Memories With The Noblesse
You expect a good piece of furniture to endure throughout the years, and The Noblesse range hood reminds us that it’ll be there for us through it all, seeking to help you define moments that define you.
The poetic description describes, “Smiling through tears at the birth of a child. A loved one’s final, poignant breath. Smoke ascending from your kitchen grease fire, into the arms of the universe.” Any piece of furniture should be so confident.
1 The Perfect Product: The Portal Potty
Normally, your Sims’ bathroom isn’t all that remarkable, but the Portal Potty, like its description, just keeps on giving. The most enchanting part of Realm of Magic was its toilet.
The game says this throne took “#2 Time Traveling Toidy of the year by Home & Loo Magazine,” and it’s no wonder why. With a simple flush, this toilet claims to take your Sim to another dimension, with a friendly reminder to wash your hands before returning. What really takes the crown, though, is the fact that it features “a lid that doubles as a panini press,” because, why not?
NEXT: The Sims 4: Things You Need To Know Before You Buy Dream Home Decorator